For the past week, things have been hard for me. For some reason, old emotions, old feelings, old EVERYTHING are being bought back to my life with such a force, it is hard for me to keep up. I've been having issues with my diet, like everything is getting to me. This isn't me. I am happy, joyful, I can't have these trying times, but right now, I am...and it is taking it's toll on me.Years ago, I learned by staying true to myself and to my faith, I can get through anything. I've carried that with me for so long, that I didn't let anything get to me. It took a lot to make me really upset. Lately, it doesn't take much at all. I'm trying to keep the faith and lean on God's unchanging hand, but it's hard. With everything of being unemployed, trying to lose weight, and trying to keep my sanity, it's hard. It's hard to keep praying, and not seeing change. I mean, I know absolutely God will always have my back and my prayers will come to fruition. Sometimes, that knowing waivers. I find myself with many questions, I feel, have been left unanswered. It's weighing on my heart, mind, soul, and body. I've been trying so hard to live stress-free, but when you are wanting so much for yourself, and nothing is happening, it gets hard to live that way. When you continuously search for jobs, and come up with nothing. When you work so hard to lose weight, and end up gaining a pound. It's frustrated, and all you want to do is scream, cry, and throw things. The only thing is, I keep everything inside. I don't talk about my deep feelings, I don't want people to see me vulnerable. So, I hold it in, and yes, I burst. I need to let it out, but it is usually not around anyone. I have my little moment and then I move on. It's times like this that my faith waivers a little. I chase it, grab it, and try to hold it close to my heart, but sometimes it squirms its way out of my grasp.
These past two weeks have been murder on my heart and mind. I find myself praying, a lot. I honestly think God is using this time to show me all the things I SHOULD be doing. I mean, some things are looking up. I've completed a graphic. This was a major feat because I hadn't done one in MONTHS. I used to push them out on a daily basis. I was asked to build someone's website, and actually get paid for it. I feel like he is pointing me into that direction, but it's like how long is it going to take? I am just trying to stay out of my own head, you know. It is so not easy to be at this place in my life. I'm not used to this. I don't like it, at all. No, I won't go into great detail about anything, but I'm trying. I am holding on to my faith, and knowing that God is going to see me through this. It might take me a while to get there, but I know I will be there, and everything will be okay. I just pray he takes this off my heart, because I don't like this.
There are going to be plenty of times when you just want to give up. DON'T! Why give up on something that you have worked so hard for? Why give up on your dreams. You just have to trust and know that everything will be okay. That's what I have to tell myself EVERYDAY! I have to wake up and realize that life is what you make it! Keep me in your prayers guys. I know I will keep praying, and keep my faith, because what is the alternative? I know God will get me through this, just like any other time.