Monday, July 11, 2011

Celibacy Thang...

"This here celibacy thing, Lawd, just got something over me"
With those lyrics, Jill Scott said it best!!! This is what I am feeling right now. Being celibate is not easy, at all! I've made this decision for myself. I wanted more for myself, and being "non-sexual" was a good route for me.

I decided to be celibate the day after my 26th birthday. I decided this, not because I was going through a dry spell, but it was the day I decided I wanted more. I wanted more than just sex, and the last guy I talked to helped me with that. I wanted a relationship, thought that's what we were leaning toward, but as you can see, J. is still single! LOL. I didn't decide to stop having sex because of him though, he just helped me see what I wanted. I thought I would be ok with us doing what we were doing, but I wasn't. I wanted to be with him, and he told me he wanted to be with me. So, what was the problem? He's a 35 year old guy, but still wants to play the field. It was so funny, because I saw the change in him, when I started changing. I was losing weight, and it was like he didn't want that. It was weird, but eh...such is life!

Ok, back to the subject at hand: CELIBACY! So many people think that I am crazy for  doing it, like I haven't done it before. Yes, I've been celibate before, lasted a whole year! LOL. I was younger then, and it wasn't about me wanting more, I was really just going through a dry spell. It was an involuntary celibacy thing. Now, this time it is different. Like I've said before, I'm 26 years old, and it is about time I "Woman Up." I've gotten too old to still play games and fall for the games. Time for me to stop acting like I'm okay with the way things go, when in reality...I'm not. I don't like being treated like I'm not worth anything, but people treat you how you let them treat you. So, how can I expect more from someone when I allow them to treat me any old way? It's crazy, because so many women have this same mindset because they don't want to be alone. Yea, I have those moments, but I would much rather be alone, than mistreated! Once I decided to stop and really look at myself, I realized this was the right thing to do. I wanted more for myself.

Being celibate, I will the PITS!! ( and dip) Not only am I frustrated, but..yea..I'm frustrated! LOL. It's not the easiest thing in the world, especially when you are constantly around those who get it on the regular! LOL. Celibacy is not for the weak, but just like a friend told me, be patient. That's all I can do at the moment because I just don't want to give it up. It also sucks when meeting new guys, because their first response is "You lying." Then, I don't hear from them again! LOL. That's a good thing, because at least I know that's all you wanted, which helps out a lot. It still sucks, because I like to talk, I just like have friendly conversations, but when you are celibate, I guess people think you are less interesting or something. The hell?

I'm not out here on a #thirst mission either. I really want something real, and I'm being patient about it. I'm having fun actually. The no sex thing is hard, but I'd much rather be where I am right now...HAPPY!  I wouldn't trade the feeling that I have right now for anything in the world. Yea, it's going to continue to be hard, but I am willing to travel that road. Most things in life aren't easy, and never will be. I like the journey that I am on right now. It's funny, because I've talked to more than a few people who are taking this journey too, and we all agree...IT SUCKS, but it's worth it, as long as you are doing it for the right reasons. Don't do it because of a dry spell, because what would you have gained from it? It's a learning and growing experience that I am glad I am doing for the right reason this time. When I feel like I might don't make it, I pray about it. Talk to some friends about it, who encourage it, because just like T said, "Nobody is worthy of your sweet tea, so keep saving it." I wouldn't say that "No one" is worthy of it, but not everyone is. So, I keep it to myself.

So, to all of you out there who is going through this as well, I feel your pain!!! LOL

I want to leave you with a poem by Jill Scott entitled "Womanifesto" from her lastest album "Light of the Sun" (If you don't have it, I strongly suggest you get it!)
Clearly I am not a fat ass
I am active brain
And lip smacking peach deep
Sometimes too aggressive in its honesty
And heart sweet
That loves wholly and completely
Whom it may choose
Whom ever it may choose

I am not gonna lie and pacify
I am arms to hold
I am lips to speak
I am a motherfucking "G"

Strong legs that stroll off the 33 bus
Or out of a money green Phantom comfortably
Knees that bend to pray
Clean from Ajax washings
Hair that is thick and soft
Thighs that betwixt
An amazing all expense grand prize

I am eyes that sing
Smile that brightens
Touch that rings
And supplies euphoric release
I am a Grand Dame Queen Beast

I am warm
I am peace
From the roads of Botswana from 23rd Street
From the inside third eye
Ever watching this wicked wicked system of things
I do see

I am friend to pen
And a lover of strong women
A diamond to men
I am curious and interested like children
I welcome the wise to teach
Appreciator of my culture
Thick not just from bone dense and eat

I have a rhythm in my ways
And a practice in my seek
And yes, I do crave the rhythm of my space
With a man that rejoices in God's Grace

With faith I do hear to listen
Two hands that fist
When forced pushes to shove
And your ego won't submit

I am gifted
I am all of this
And indeed the shit

Clearly I am not just an ass

Signing Out,


  1. Hey Jas! This is Jasmine (Wallace) Shannon, and I just wanted to say that I respect your choice of celibacy. It saves ALOT of time and energy and therefore if you do get into another relationship atleast you will know that they are in it because they are genuinely attracted you and ONLY you! So keep it up girl! And nothing but good can come from it. It is what God intended !

  2. Awww, Jasmine!!! Thank you so much for reading and commenting first off. I needed to hear that! LOL. This is one of the hardest things I've done, besides dieting and working out! LOL. I know that God has a plan for everything that I am doing right now, so I am not worried about it, at all! I've been working a lot on myself a lot lately, so I know things are going to work out!

  3. O my gosh babe!!! Girl love u even more!!! I'm so proud of u babe..ur setting a major example for me.. jus u wait ur King is on his way.. and u will be his queen..a WHOLE woman... not jus a lil girl lookin to bust a quick nut to be a wifey... ur worse r do encouraging and I'm more proud to call u my sis than ever before...I can't wait to hear more of wat u learned from this experience... who knows maybe my celibate experience is coming;)

  4. T, your way with words is frikkin HILARIOUS!! I love you!!! Yes, this journey is not the easiest, but I am glad I am doing it. I am enjoying it, and I know now, that I can do anything. You know I am going to share EVERYTHING with you! LOL. I can't wait to see your celibate experience, it's gonna be one for the records! LOL

  5. *cries a little*
    Girl, you know we in the movement together! Stay strong, sis! *plays Jill Scott albums on repeat*

  6. Girl, I know!!! That album has been in heavy rotation! I'm going to stay strong, doesn't mean I am going to like it!!! LOL

  7. Hey! I just came across your blog from reading comments on Happy Black Woman. Seems like you are very much on the right track with being just that. I wanted to say that I respect your decision to be celibate. I feel it will definitely guide you to someone you loves you for you. I am 26 years old and after dating someone for 4 years we finally got married in August. We remained celibate the entire time! Ok, we have been abstinent our entire lives so honestly we didn't know what we were missin Lol! My point here is that getting to know someone without the complication of sex is the most beatiful thing. It allows you to think clearly for one, if the other person is willing to stick around you know they are into YOU rather than being in it for the sex, as you continue the relationship you really start to see what that person is about, there is more time on your hands to get deeper involved in (nonsexual) intimacy with this person which is the best thing. With that kind of intimacy, you almost dont need sex.
    Anyway, I guarantee this will pay off for you. Best wishes:)