Sometimes, you just have to call YOURSELF out and with Kanye West's "Runaway" I knew exactly what he meant. I have gone through most of my life being happy, and a social butterfly. But, I wasn't always the nicest person, at all. I had no problem telling people off and not apologizing. Apologize for what? I always felt like I was right, so there was no need to apologize. As I got older, I realized how wrong and rude I was.
When I hurt, I take it out on the world. You could be doing everything right, but because I was feeling bad, I wanted you to feel bad. I didn't care, I really didn't. I epitomized the word "asshole." I was a jerk, a douchebag and every other thing Kanye mentions. I was all of the above plus more. I was a force to be reckoned with! I couldn't figure out why all these things happened to me and everyone around me was smiling acting like the world was perfect. So, I became ruthless. I cussed people out, I ranted, I raved, because I was mad! You could definitely raise a toast to me! My only comfort was music. That was the ONLY thing that could calm me down. People would try to talk to me and tell me, "you don't have to be like that" and my reply was always "Shut the "f" up, who asked you anyway?" In the deep recesses of my mind, I knew they were right. I just didn't want them to know that. Everything I was doing had been done to me, so why should I turn the other cheek? Why do I have to be the good one? I want to be the bad one, for once! But, it wasn't me. It wasn't how I was built. After a while, my actions caught up with me.
As I've gotten older, I've learned to apologize. I got tired of people labeling me as "The Mad Black Woman," I didn't want that for myself anymore. At a time, I didn't even realize that I was acting like that. But on the brink of madness, you don't realize all the bad things you are doing. They don't seem bad to you, they feel good, so how could they be bad, right? I basically had to grow up! I had to stop running away from people who cared for me, and I had to stop pushing people away. I've had some amazing friends in my life who I pushed away because I just didn't care. I almost lost a best friend because of stupidity! I've come to realize, that is no way to live. You can't wallow (sp?) in your pain for a lifetime. You have to learn to forgive and forget. You have to learn to live past your pain. If not, it is going to bury you alive. No one will be there because you have pushed people out of your life. You have ostracized yourself! Can't keep pretending everything is alright, when it really isn't.
I can honestly say, I prayed and cried! I prayed, a lot, I cried a lot. I had to do whatever I had to do to pull myself out of that funk that I had sunk into. Was it comfortable there? Yes! That's just not how I wanted to live. With the help of God speaking to me and through my friends and family, I made it through, never to looking back! I refuse to EVER to myself there again. You have to want more for yourself. You have to just say "Screw this, I desire MORE! I deserve MORE! I want MORE! I need MORE!" Don't let your past bring you down, learn from it, good and bad and prosper from it! Be that person that you are born to be! Set yourself free from all the "mess" that your life may seem to be! And when you are going through it, not that trouble don't last always ( in the words of Ms. Celie) and know that "Our greatest test is to trust God's goodness where we see no goodness in life." Don't let your faith waiver. Know that God is ALWAYS in control! ALWAYS!!!